Free humorous sayings, quotes and quotations
And on the eighth day God said, Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!
~humorous quotes by Author Unknown
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Jack Benny
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
~humorous quotes by Elayne Boosler
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Douglas Adams
Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
~humorous sayings by Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
~humorous quotes by Charles Schulz
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Author Unknown
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
~humorous quotes by Song title by Jimmy Buffet
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Author Unknown
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
~humorous sayings by Woody Allen
How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?
~humorous quotes by Author Unknown
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
~inspirational sayings about Humorous quotes by Steven Wright
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
~humorous quotes by Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
~famous quotes about Humorous by Author Unknown
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
~humorous sayings by Author Unknown
Every actual state is corrupt. Good men must not obey laws too well.
~humorous quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is often easier to become outraged by injustice half a world away than by oppression and discrimination half a block from home.
~good sayings about Human Rights by Carl T. Rowan
Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.
~humorous quotes by George Weinberg
Politics, n: [Poly many + tics blood-sucking parasites]
~motivational quotes about Politics sayings by Larry Hardiman
Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition.
~humorous sayings by Jacques Barzun
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
~humorous quotes by Fr. Alfred D'Souza
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~good sayings about Curiosity by Dorothy Parker (Thank you, Kaitlin.)
Progress imposes not only new possibilities for the future but new restrictions.
~humorous quotes by Norbert Wiener, The Human Use of Human Beings, 1950
Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.
~motivational quotes about Light sayings by Rabindranath Tagore
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
~humorous sayings by George Bernard Shaw
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
~humorous quotes by Joey Adams
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
~good sayings about Attitude by Attributed to both Jonathan Swift and Benjamin Franklin
Journalists do not live by words alone, although sometimes they have to eat them.
~humorous quotes by Adlai E. Stevenson
Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.
~motivational quotes about Money sayings by Satchel Paige
Humankind has not woven the web of lifeWe are but one thread within itWhatever we do to the web, we do to ourselvesAll things are bound togetherAll things connect
~humorous sayings by Chief Seattle, 1855
If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is.
~humorous quotes by John Louis von Neumann
My definition [of a philosopher] is of a man up in a balloon, with his family and friends holding the ropes which confine him to earth and trying to haul him down.
~good sayings about Philosophy by Louisa May Alcott, in Life, Letters, and Journals, ed. E.D. Cheney, 1889
That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean thatIt's not a thing you can forgetMaybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, lif
~humorous quotes by From the movie Old Yeller
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.
~motivational quotes about Health sayings by Kin Hubbard
Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them
~humorous sayings by William James
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